But in this chat, two or three years after we split, he very casually mentioned that he was still in love with me. Mentioned, as if this was not news. Mentioned as if this was well known, that it was no secret that he had always been in love with me, would always be in love with me, and that he was just not capable of handling our relationship at the time. I was surprised and didn't know what to say, because I pushed those feelings so far away that I can no longer reach them.

So I worried about how to tell him. Phone call? Text? Facebook message? What if I call and get voicemail? Do I say it like it's no big deal? Should I make a big deal? Bring up the past? I didn't know, but I ended up not having much of a choice. TL was so excited that he started posting about it on Facebook, so I just sent a hasty Facebook message, "Just wanted to let you know that TL and I got engaged!" I could not believe I had actually fucking sent that. He responded with something generic, "Congratulations, you two seem to have a good thing going so I'm happy." Then a few hours later he sent me a text apologizing if he was being condescending, explaining that he loves me in an appropriate way, in that he wants me to be happy and complete. And that the only way I can really hurt him is if it isn't okay for him to love me as he has.

I told him not to worry about his reply because it's an awkward conversation to have. It's awkward to tell your first love that you're marrying someone else. He replied:

"Okay so let me try and get this to make sense. It was not awkward to tell me, I am your friend and this is an important thing in your life. I want to know about it of course. I would be lying if I said when I read it I wasn't a little overwhelmed with emotion. I questioned a lot of decisions and I was sad, not for you of course but for myself. But those are things that are internal to me and shouldn't impact you as it's not fair. In the end I really am happy. Those are not empty words. We haven't been together in a very long time, we carried on with our own lives (and I can only speak for myself here) but I carried on with you in my mind always. Even if I didn't always talk to you and I wasn't involved. That is just the way it had to be. I suppose. But we build our lives, not together but for ourselves. You found someone you care about deeply and I am happy you can be with that person and be happy. It's hard for me to say that in a way as yes. You were the first person I loved. And I loved you so deeply it was shocking. But as we discussed before I wasn't capable of being fair to you when we could have been together. Sorry this is a rehash of the past but it's important to have no ambiguity, I think anyway. So now that we have our own lives it is important we live them as we have. Knowing that we still have our feelings however like I said they change. My love for you is appropriate in which I want to see a friend, honestly probably my best friend, be happy, grow, love and live. Sorry for the long message and sorry if I made it sappy or whatever."

I didn't respond for awhile, and he asked if he had put his foot in his mouth. I assured him he hadn't, but that I was still in Salem being touristy and wanted to wait till I had time for a real reply.

I waited over 24 hours because I did not know what to say. I wanted to say something that would satisfy him, something that would reflect the importance of our past, that would respect our 12 year friendship. But I don't know what to say, because all of those feelings are so, so far away. I have this fondness for the time we spent together romantically, but it's just a shallow memory that makes me smile once in awhile. When we ended things, I never again thought "maybe someday." For fuck's sake, he is still with her. After almost 7 years. He's still with her, so it is completely incomprehensible to me that I could have been a blip on his radar anytime after 2007.

I knew I couldn't wait anymore, so I just threw together a generic reply about the love and fondness I have for our very long friendship, about appreciating everything he said, and wanting the same things for him. It was awful, it had no feeling behind it and I know he will feel that. I feel like such an asshole for waiting so long to spout off a bunch of generic bullshit. I should have just said the generic bullshit when he first sent it, and then used being busy and distracted as an excuse.

We have our own lives and I'm glad for it. I'm not delusional; I know he hasn't been pining for me all this time. But it was in the back of his mind, and not mine. And I feel guilty. I wish I could have given him something wonderful, something to make him feel so happy about what we've had these last 12 years, to feel like even if the end result is loving other people, we shared something amazing and life changing. But it wasn't in me. I had nothing to give. And it makes me feel guilty.