Stubborn love.

Do you know what makes me immediately emotional, borderline inconsolable?

That we'll never be able to get back our Myspace messages/comments.

This sounds like a joke post, but it seriously makes me a basketcase anytime I think about it.

I just think about being 15 and sending hilarious messages back and forth between friends.

Not to mention all the messages between you and I. Trying to find a signal to listen to your band mates on the radio, alliteration in belated birthday messages. The 180+ comments we left on that picture? We treated it like a diary, leaving notes about our day, what song we were listening to, what we were doing that weekend.

Or at 17, all the heartbreaking messages best friend and I sent each other, being so dramatic and so hurt. I loved it, I miss it.

All the flirty, charming messages between me and that guy I made out with on New Year's Eve when I was 19? We�re still pals, still Facebook friends, still have each other�s numbers, but it would be nice to read those messages again. I really, briefly, thought we could be something because our banter was so good, but I was too lazy so I started dating some jerk instead. I love beginnings so much, and I miss them. I would love to reread some of my better beginnings (beginnings which are typically better than the middle, and certainly better than the end result).

I guess the reason it�s so upsetting is my need for things to be in writing. I need things to be tangible, more than just a memory. I�m very �out of sight out of mind� when it comes to matters of the heart, if I don�t have reminders. I talk myself out of things, convince myself that I exaggerated, that things didn�t mean much and I just romanticize them.

When I think that 5 years down the line I could have myself convinced that the messages you sent me on my 16th birthday were�what, business? Professional? What if I actually forgot that you told me it was my party and I could cry if I want to (or laugh, or sing)? The perfect combination of funny and affectionate, the kind of thing that will always have the ability to make me smile.

I need to remember those things. I need to remember that life has meaning, and that things are sad and sweet and emotional and funny, not cold and logical, the way that I sometimes pretend.

Before and After

Index - Older - Profile - Notes - Diaryland

[I believe in a thing called love]