I couldn't help but read a few. More than a few. I have fucked up so many things. I forgot. I forgot how bad it was; time has allowed me to gloss over it, so I'm left with the memory "I failed out of college" without any of the details.
The details are horrifying. I was so checked out, never sleeping, constantly lying, avoiding, denying, completely debilitated by anxiety.
I just wanted to stop reading them. I felt overwhelming shame remembering what happened 6 years ago; I started skipping over any email from any faculty member, much like I did 6 years ago.
I am a different person in many ways, but the same in just as many. I am better, but I am not healed.
I let myself remember everything, and I cried. It was surprising to cry over something from so long ago.
I want to forget again.