And then I got drunk, in a good way, for several hours. �Shoving TL against furniture and kissing him like we just met� good. And then somehow, in a conversation I don�t even want to repeat because I can�t believe I got so devastated over such a simple, stupid statement, I started crying. Hysterically crying, ranting about love and music and writing, telling him that all of my best writing is behind me because he doesn�t make me miserable, at one point sobbing because he doesn�t like Lauryn Hill(?). I still cannot understand what came over me. I was a wreck, and he very kindly kept telling me I needed to sleep this off, which I took as being dismissive and insulting.

Luckily I never became mean, I was just very drunk and very needy and very much a basketcase.

Then as with all hysterical drunk crying, I had the hiccups for about 30 minutes, and once they stopped, I tried to sleep but was unable to escape the spins. Eventually I excused myself to vomit.

In the morning my eyes were practically swollen shut from crying � I hadn�t woken up like that since Manhattanville. The first thing I said to him was, �Sorry for being a sloppy drunk emotional mess.� I thought he was going to be mad at me, but he was just like, �Oh it�s fine, we just had a misunderstanding, I think you�ve seen me at worse than that, tra la la.�

I told him how embarrassed I was and he was genuinely shocked that I would feel the need to be embarrassed for acting absurd in front of him.

After 4.5 years I still find it surprising that anyone could love me when I�m that ridiculous. That he could listen to me rant and cry and understand that I was having a bad night, instead of deciding that I�m more than he bargained for. I think it�s one thing to think we�re worthy of love in theory, but quite another to actually see it put into practice. I don�t think I�ll ever stop being surprised.