I didn't get home from work till 7:30pm on Thursday. I worked on my projects till 4:00am. I was really proud of myself, I thought I made really good progress. I thought I'd done enough so that I could finish everything during the day on Friday, and still make it to Cher Friday night.

I got up around 8:30am, and immediately got back to work on my projects.

And then somehow it's almost 3pm and I'm realizing I am not going to finish my projects. Despite actually working on them, it was too much work to finish in less than 24 hours.

I finished one. And by finished I mean I wrote part of each required section, both required tables, neither of the required graphs, it was shorter than it was supposed to be, and I did not cite a single outside source. But, it exists and I submitted it on time. So, better than a zero. And considering my pitiful average, even a bad grade will be average-raising.

Then my other project. I'm almost at the place where I can laugh about it (as opposed to crying) so that's good.

It was for Communications, and I had to record a 4 minute speech. I was running out of time. I could have recorded it, if I'd known what I was going to say. But I didn't. My outline wasn't finished, no notecards. I could have talked out of my ass, but I'm better at that in writing than in person. I checked my email and there was one from my professor saying that people were having trouble submitting their videos, and offering suggestions. She ended it by saying she was going away for the weekend at 4:00 and wouldn't be checking back in till Sunday, Monday at the latest. I looked at the clock; it was 4:30. So I made the split decision to do something so ridiculous I still can't believe I did it. I put a shirt over my webcam and recorded a blank 2 minute video. It's just blackness and random sounds from my house. My hope is that by submitting this video of nothing (which I did 8 hours before the deadline) it will look like I accidentally attached the wrong video. The plan is to have a speech recorded by the time the teacher emails me so I can say OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY HOW DID THAT HAPPEN HERE'S MY SPEECH

Hands down the most absurd thing I've ever done. But I did it. We'll see how it turns out.

The only reason I'm writing this is because I tend to keep my fuck ups to myself, at least until well after the fact. I meant to tell TL when he got home on Friday, but I chickened out. So I'm putting this here, in the interest of being honest and perhaps holding myself accountable if I can't pretend it never happened.

I still haven't recovered from being so stressed and so anxious for so long. By 3:00 on Friday I was so stressed that my brain couldn't think and I was starting to hyperventilate. I tried to calm myself, and the best I could manage was this in between place where I was consistently "just about to hyperventilate" and "just about to cry" but not actually doing either. Then I thought I might actually release some stress if I cried, so I tried, but I couldn't, which wound me up even more. I just sat here almost crying, almost hyperventilating, unable to think about anything but what a fuck up I am, totally incredulous that I ended up here again.

I really thought I could finish everything. I was so optimistic. It was definitely better than 2007/2008. Back then I would have stayed up all night to do homework, and I would go to sleep around 8:00am and have literally done nothing. Eventually I would just quit with an excuse and a Plan B (or C...or D). "If I go to sleep now, I'll sleep for 2 hours, and then work all day." And it would just never happen.

I stayed up all night actually working, slept for 4 hours, woke up and actually worked. But it was too much. I couldn't finish months' worth of research and preparation in less than 24 hours. My expectations were totally unrealistic.

And, because I pushed back the time because I wasn't done with my work, we didn't leave for Brooklyn till almost 5:30. In my defense, my friends were 20 minutes late. But, I'm the one who changed the time to after 5. I also had delusional expectations about getting to Brooklyn. Everything took longer than we thought, the only 5 that came by was express and not going to our stop, the 4 wasn't running. We missed Cyndi Lauper and the first 1.5 hours.

But, Cher was phenominal.