Trying to reflect on 2014 has been more difficult than expected. The last 6 months of it were so bad that I can’t seem to remember anything before it. I actually seem to remember thinking 2014 was off to a good start, but can’t remember why now. I actually had to look up my entries from the beginning of the year to try to get some idea of what happened. Even things that seemed funny at the time feel exhausting in retrospect.

The good: I saw a handful of old friends in 2014 that I hadn’t been in touch with in 4-7 years, all people that I really genuinely still like. I saw Post Secret Live. I went to 6 great concerts – Cher, Interpol, Postmodern Jukebox, Puddles Pity Party, Fleetwood Mac, and Brand New/Modest Mouse. TL and I went to the Catskills for a weekend. By some miracle I received an AS in Legal Studies. I applied to and was accepted to a four year university with an English program that made me giddy. I received a $3/hr. raise.

Everything else: My co-worker decided to move across the country in the most bizarre and disorganized manner, which left her completely useless for her last few months of employment. She was scattered, forgetful, yet indignant. She refused to acknowledge that the quality of her work plummeted and that it was affecting the office. We had a great working relationship and have been friends for years, but by those last few months I couldn’t even stand to be around her. Then she left and I became the only employee. I have officially been the only employee in this office since August 14th. It’s exhausting. “Luckily” things have been unusually slow, which is the only thing making this arrangement manageable. But, because things are slow, the money isn’t coming in.

Everything that can go wrong in regard to settlements and retainers has gone wrong many times over, sometimes to the point of being hilarious. My father/boss actually resorted to purchasing sage and a book of cleansing prayers (are they called prayers?). I don’t think I can properly convey how funny that is to anyone who doesn’t know my dad. He is not a spiritual or religious person. He is not a sensitive person. He is, without a doubt, where I get 98% of my surly and often abrasive nature from. And he felt his only option was to buy SAGE off the internet to CLEANSE our fucking office. On New Year’s Eve all I wanted to do was leave work at a reasonable hour, but he made me sit at my desk so he could cleanse me of negative energy. I couldn’t stop laughing. He cleansed the office, both our vehicles, and sent me home with sage to cleanse my house. We are in dire straits if we are resorting to burning sage and saying prayers.

Speaking of vehicles, in August I stopped for an ambulance, the guy behind me hit me, and my entire bumper cover fell off. I didn’t get the estimate until October, because the insurance company lost my information (obviously). Then TL’s mom had her stroke a few days after, and I couldn’t be bothered. On 12/30 I was in the Post Office parking lot and got into a very minor fender bender, almost had a nervous breakdown. No additional damage to my vehicle, hers just has a scratch. The insurance companies are calling it 50/50, as we were both backing out of our respective spaces. TL wants me to get rid of my beloved car because it’s had very bad luck indeed. 2 months after I bought it, someone hit it while parked. We had a good stretch of over 2 years between that and the August incident. Now it’s been in a parking lot mishap. I say he (my car) has just been having a rough go of things and is greatly misunderstood. Perhaps now that my dad has cleansed the car with sage, things will start looking up? I did finally bring my car in to be fixed.

After being very excited about starting in the English program at Central, I decided not to return this semester. The course itself was great, my professor was charming, I made two acquaintances I hope to keep in touch with, and I got an A with very little effort. Despite that, it’s like a school for children. I mocked Community College incessantly while I attended it, but honestly, those schools are designed for adults. There is no shortage of classes at night or online. Every semester it’s possible to find several courses that meet requirements that also fit into your life schedule. Central is designed for children.

I only took one course because it was the only course that met any of my requirements, and also fit into my schedule (at the time I registered). I worked Monday-Thursday and went to school for 3 hours on Friday. It couldn’t be done. I am the only employee; I can’t only work 4 days a week. But I did my best, and I had hope for the next semester. I thought my selection of courses was limited because I was late to register. I wasn’t accepted until they received confirmation of my graduation in May, so I didn’t actually register until June.

When it was time to start thinking about registration for the Spring semester, I quickly realized it doesn’t matter when you register – they just don’t offer convenient courses for someone who works full time 40 minutes away. Even most of their “night” courses begin at 5:20 – the absolute earliest I could possibly arrive on campus is 5:40. And even that isn’t realistic, since that’s assuming there will be zero traffic during rush hour. Although they do seem to offer quite a lot of online courses, they are mostly in subjects that do not meet my major or general education requirements, or they’re upper level courses I can’t yet take. There was a prerequisite I desperately wanted to take because it would have opened up so many opportunities for the online courses, but the prerequisite is only offered as a day course 2-3 times a week. I can’t be at school in the middle of the day 2-3 times a week.

I did eventually find a whopping two courses that met requirements and sort of kind of fit into my schedule. Fit into my schedule in a “I’m going to be miserable but my options are limited” kind of way. In order to register, students need to meet with their advisor, go over the courses, and then the advisor gives you a PIN# to register with. My advisor is only on campus 3 days a week, and Friday is not one of them. More inconvenient than that, his office hours only go till 3:00 at the latest. I am not 18. I do not live on campus. I work full time. I inquired about whether he might have extended office hours during advising periods, but nope. Just the usual completely incompatible schedule.

While I was trying to figure out the advising bullshit, I got an email from the Student Health Center that there was a hold on my account and I couldn’t register for courses until they received my vaccination records from my pediatrician. Obviously. Of course, they should have asked for this information when I was first accepted – the whole point is that they need it before you start school, but who am I to tell them how to do their job. I called my former pediatrician’s office, and the woman who answered the desk was a bit nervous, since my records had probably already been destroyed and she wasn’t sure if they’d ever been sent to my physician. OBVIOUSLY. Luckily though, although due to be destroyed any time now, they still had them and filled out the necessary form. I sent it to the Health Center, who said it could take 5-7 business days to process and not to follow up until then. I followed up on the 7th business day. The girl says, “Oh yes, I see here there was a problem with the form. It only lists one chicken pox vaccination. They’ve changed the regulations and you either need to get a second vaccination, or blood work confirming you have immunity.” I said, “I don’t mean to be cranky, but were you planning on notifying me that there was a problem?” to which she responded, “Oh, no! We have hundreds of forms coming in, we can’t possibly call everyone back when there’s a problem. We just hope people call to follow up.” I said, “Great. Thanks. Just curious.” and hung up. So after losing a week and half because they told me not to follow up, but didn’t notify me that there was a problem, I went into the bathroom and let myself cry for exactly one minute. It felt like this college was rejecting me like bad transplant. After more hours on the phone, my physician ordered the blood work.

To say my mom is an advocate of me getting a Bachelor’s degree would be an understatement. In the 7 years that I have been flailing not know what I’m doing, what I should be doing, or where I should be doing it, she has always pushed me to just keep on keeping on and strongly discourages anything resembling a break, even for a semester. I’ve often debated whether this was helpful or detrimental, and never come up with a clear answer. But when I told my mom about all of the registration issues, she said, “So what do you think, maybe you’ll just take this semester off? You have so much else going on as it is.” I don’t know if it’s the fact that I finally have a degree, or if she’s just taking pity on me. But for her to present that as an option was so needed. Taking a semester off was presented as a logical option, instead of a decision that will turn her into a disappointed basketcase who’s fearful for my future. It didn’t take much thought to make a decision, because I was already well aware I didn’t want to go back. I’m glad I was able to get an A, so I don’t feel that I’ve failed. I’m sure I’d still be there if G hadn’t had a stroke, and if J still worked here. I don’t have the same life that I had 6 months ago, and all I can do is accept it. My life is not the same, and my life will never be the same again. A chapter of my life has closed and to fight it would be a waste of energy. All I can do is adapt to the life I have.

I’ve already looked into the school I want to apply to for the Fall. I overlooked it the last time I was looking at schools because all of the degrees are in General Studies. Looking at it from my current perspective, it sounds like exactly what I need. The degrees are in General Studies, with concentrations in one or more subjects. Most of their concentrations can be completed 100% online. Because they offer General Studies degrees, they accept and apply as much of your transfer credits as they possibly can. If I do a concentration in Legal Studies/Psychology, most of my credits will be used. It’s another State school, so tuition is about the same. The Legal Studies/Psychology concentration can be done entirely online. I may even add on Human Resources to that. I’ll be able to complete a degree much faster than I would otherwise. And really, that’s what I need. I need this part of my life to be over. I need another piece of paper to hang on my office wall and jot down on my resume. It has no other meaning for me, and I just want to be done with it.

Things with TL’s family have been terrible. I think getting into everything would be bad for me, so I’ll only reflect on the big things.

The house. Always the house. We live in a two family house with TL’s mom, so we became the natural caregivers when she was released from the rehabilitation facility. She is doing well for someone who had two strokes in October, but she isn’t the same person. She has physical and cognitive deficits. Since the stroke, TL and I have been paying all of her bills so she could get back on her feet without worrying. She was on Short Term Disability, and then in December she retired. TL has two sisters, C and M. They have been useless at best, detrimental at worst. M means well but is one of the dumbest people I have ever had the misfortune of knowing. She has no problem solving ability whatsoever, and I am truly shocked that her children made it to adulthood.

C, who I’ve always regarded as the smart and logical one, has been acting like a psychopath since G came home. Before G came home, C cleaned her apartment and brought over groceries, and I was grateful that TL had such good siblings. She never did a thing after that. She never came by, except to pick G up on the weekend and take her shopping. Not grocery shopping or anything practical like that, but to Wal-Mart, Target, etc. She comes home with appliances and gadgets she doesn’t need. G’s doctors were still very concerned about her blood pressure and said that G should not be out for more than 1-2 hours per day. C would have her out for 8 hours per day because she apparently disagreed, and would just get irritated when TL told her she can’t have G out that long. TL and M told C that G was on a low-sodium diet; C took her to Wendy’s two days in a row. C seemed to make it her sole purpose to defy all instructions from any of the doctors or therapists, which only gave G more fuel to be stubborn. C became the deadbeat parent who’s never around and doesn’t take care of you, but when they do finally take you for the weekend, they let you have ice cream for dinner.

Over a year ago TL and G were talking about us buying the house from her. She wanted us to buy it. Due to an estranged son, she’d set up her will so that the house is to be sold upon her death, because she didn’t want said son causing any problems for anyone. However, she wanted us to have it, so she wanted us to buy it from her while she’s alive and kicking. Certainly not the way I would have set that up, but whatever. I totally freaked out because the thought of buying a house in the town I grew up in makes me feel dead inside. We decided to put it on the back burner until after we got married.

After her stroke, G started talking about us buying the house before she’d even left the hospital. She wanted us to buy it immediately in case something happened to her. I was still reluctant. TL really wanted to buy the house because he wants us all to keep living here in the immediate future, and then to keep it as a rental property in the future. At some point, G told C about us thinking about buying the house, and C decided to intervene. She does not want us to buy the house. C made a series of bizarre assumptions, such as: 1) We wouldn’t have an appraisal done. 2) We were going to buy the house for less than it’s worth. 3) We can’t afford the house. 4) We were going to buy the house only for what G owes on it (very little). Instead of talking to either of us about it, she told all of these things to G and M, which prompted many condescending conversations with M, like the time she told us what an appraisal is. Ooh, thanks! We’d never heard of that, very helpful. M has the special quality of having below-average intelligence, yet regularly talking down to people and acting as if everyone else is an imbecile.

Throughout all of this, I begged TL to just sit down and have a calm conversation with C about her concerns. I wanted them to talk it out before there was a fight. The longer there are misunderstandings and no communication, the worse things would be. But he was stubborn. So instead of ever having a calm, rational conversation about things, they saw each other and immediately got into a screaming match. Neither of us thought too much of it. In fact, I thought it was a good thing. Although I would have preferred they communicate effectively right from the start, thereby avoiding the need for a screaming match, I assumed that after the screaming match they would both cool off and eventually be in a place where they could communicate. Instead, the next day we noticed that she had unfriended both of us on Facebook. I feel ridiculous even talking about this, but my feelings were hurt. Really, really hurt. Apart from the obvious, that I hadn’t done anything and wasn’t even home when they had a fight, I was hurt because I’d spent 5 years of my life thinking I had a great relationship with these people. I still don’t understand her intentions, but because I don’t have disagreements like a 15 year old girl, I don’t understand unfriending someone on social media because you’re mad about something. I reserve unfriending for people I don’t actually know, or people I haven’t spoken to in several years and am perfectly content never speaking to again. To me, that means “I don’t want to know you anymore.”

TL and C didn’t speak for all of December, until Christmas. On Christmas we all pretended like nothing happened. But they still don’t talk, unless she happens to be at the house. And she still hasn’t sent either of us a friend request. So, I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what any of it means. I want these people to communicate like rational, functional adults. But they won’t. And I don’t understand it. I don’t know why this has to make them so irrational. TL does not have a reputation for being the most responsible of the siblings, but he’s been such a natural at taking care of his mom.

The last I heard C and M were thinking that G should sell the house (not to us) and that G could move in with one of them. G was apparently going along with it. That would be so horrible for G. Right now she has the independence of having her own apartment, while still having us upstairs for all of the things she needs help with. This is the ideal living situation for her.

But dearest Diaryland, here’s the selfish and honest thing. I want to get the fuck out of this house. Whatever tolerance I had for this living arrangement is gone. I don’t want to live in this town. I don’t want to live in this house. I want to be alone. In fact, I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve been fantasizing about living alone. Just me and my dog. No fiancé, no cats I hate, no family members constantly calling/texting/showing up/yelling up the stairs. I want to be alone. I want to sleep in on the weekend until I’m ready to get up. I want to be able to take a nap without anyone bothering me. I want space that I can call my own. I keep thinking of the word ‘alone’ and I think it sounds beautiful. I want to be alone.

Of course, I don’t actually want to be alone. No, I mean, I actually do. But I love TL and we have a very happy relationship, and who on earth leaves someone they love and are happy with because they want to be alone? So that’s why the other fantasy I have is that C and M convince G to sell her house. And then, we’re free. TL and I can move somewhere of our choosing. Still have the wretched cats, but oh well. No life is perfect. We can move into a house – a whole house, not a second floor apartment. I want to have an upstairs. I want to live in a house where we don’t have to be on top of each other all the time. I want the love, but I need space.

Last week we found out that G and C have been making G’s car payments for an undetermined number of months. I have been paying all of G’s bills. G knows this. Every month I touch base when I make her car payment. As recently as December, we had a lengthy conversation because I needed her new payment book. I know she had a stroke, but for fuck’s sake. How did this happen? This means that I’ve been paying her car payment for no fucking reason, and depending on how long this has been going on, I wasted somewhere between $155-$620 on payments. She said she didn’t know I was still paying it. First she said she or C has been paying every month, then she changed it and said they’d only paid once. I don’t know the truth, but I know I’m done paying her bills. I’m happy to do the things that need to be done, but I am poorer than I’ve ever been. TL and I can’t afford groceries, but I’ve been helping G pay off her car twice as fast? There have been several moments since October where I’ve felt truly broken by this horrible family; this was the most recent. I am broken. I am defeated. I’ve lost the energy for contact. Since last week, I don’t go downstairs to say good morning. I avoid her as much as possible. I don’t even check the mail anymore. Everything that I’ve done for this family has been wasted. TL appreciates it as much as he can while still being part of a family that was raised to cower before the matriarch, but it isn’t enough. I no longer love these people like I thought I did.

I’m trying to find a balance between being honest with TL and also not being overly depressing. I don’t want to totally hold all of this in, because if I do that it will just build up until it ends up affecting our relationship. But, I don’t want to really vent to him (more than I already have) because there is no solution. We have no answers. We don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe everyone has completely dismissed the idea of G moving in with one of the sisters already, and no one will ever speak of it again. That would be devastating for me, because all I want to do is leave. But it is what it is, and no matter how much I can’t stand this family, taking care of G is the right thing to do. But because there is no solution, venting to TL would be pointless. I might feel better temporarily, but then I would just need to vent about the same things in a week or two. There is no end in sight, so there is no point. So I need a balance between holding things in and being honest. I’m not doing very well with it, because so far the best I can do is humor. I’m using the term humor loosely. I will smile and laugh and make quips about how miserable my life is and how much I hate my very existence, and I’ve brought up hanging myself in the basement a surprising amount of times. Putting this in writing, I see that it is probably not a good strategy. Surely a strategist wouldn’t recommend it. But it’s the best that I can manage right now. I feel bad for TL because he thinks I’m going to leave him over this. Obviously I’m not going to do that; if that were the case then I never should have agreed to marry him. But I can’t help being miserable. I know we’ll get through it, but right now I’m miserable. TL quit his band because he felt it was taking him away from home too many nights. But, now I don’t even get any alone time. I work full time. TL gets home before I do, so he’s always there. I have always been someone who needs significant alone time, but now when I’m under so much stress I need it more than ever.

I also appreciate the several suggestions I’ve gotten from people that I “get away for the weekend” “take a trip” etc. After I pay this week’s bills, I’ll have $27 to hold me over till pay day 8 days from now, but thanks for the tip! Helpful advice, thanks for listening. I hate sounding like such a whiney twat, but for some reason when I tell these few friends/family that I’m broke, they think I’m kidding or something. Or that my definition of broke is…..able to take a vacation? I don’t know. I don’t get it.

I should end this on something positive. Ah, two wonderful birthday presents have been purchased in advance. From TL, tickets to see the Kooks in June. From my dad’s girlfriend’s daughter, tickets to see Postmodern Jukebox in May. I’m very grateful for that, and it’s nice to look forward to even if it’s a few months away. 25 has been a nightmare, but maybe 26 will be a delight.

I was going through old emails earlier this week and remembered that “Blood and Peanut Butter” by B.C. Camplight exists, and I haven’t been able to stop listening to it since. It makes everything feel better, it makes me feel even fleetingly that there is possibility.