Is this hello, or is it goodbye?

I thought I would be happy. I feel like I did everything wrong, took every wrong direction to every wrong destination. Is this what my life was supposed to be? Living in this god forsaken town again, engaged, stagnant. I could have been more, I could have been loved better. Couldn’t I? I’m waiting for things that aren’t part of my current reality. There is no better, there is no improvement. I am destined to be on this path, this very boring path.

I wanted more for myself. I still do. I want to see things and feel things that aren’t part of my very tiny world. I used to feel the world was so massive, full of so much possibility. I used to feel overwhelmed by all the choices available to me. Now my choices are limited and my world is so small.

I want passion. I want to feel high like I’m flying, like I am free and out of control. I want to feel things that are only a memory now. This relationship has never been that. This relationship has never been exciting or passionate, it has always been reliable and consistent. I used to think that was a good thing. And I know that it is, it is a good thing. But maybe it’s not the right thing for me. I want to believe that there is a whole world left to experience full of new people and new feelings. I miss passion and shaky hands, I miss being reckless with my heart. This relationship will never be that. And I’m not talking about the fading of feelings, I’m talking about things that were never there. This started as him being my friend who gave me orgasms. And almost 6 years later, that’s all it is. I don’t mean to diminish the relationship because, truly, he is my partner. We support each other and we love each other and we take care of each other, but as far as passion goes, we are just friends who have orgasms together. We don’t love each other the way that I wanted to love. I never wanted this. I never wanted stability or a partner. I wanted passion.

I would never leave him while he needs me, but I can’t help but wonder what will happen down the road. I am constantly at war with myself, saying “This is what a partner does.” and “I don’t want to be a partner.” I never wanted this serious of a relationship. I never wanted to get married. So what am I doing? Why did I choose this? Why did I do all of these things that are contrary to who I am? It came so naturally, to be in a relationship with him. I thought it was right because it was easy, thought I was dysfunctional for ever loving anything that was difficult. And maybe I am. But what if that’s okay? Who determines how I need to love? Does love have to be a straight line of milestones and responsibilities, or can love be whatever we want it to be?

I want to love you like I want to be miserable. I want to bounce around between highs and lows, hitting my head on the limits of each. Nothing I feel is that extreme anymore; instead I float somewhere in the middle where I am always kind of miserable and always kind of content. It’s not a good feeling. “Kind of content” does not make being “kind of miserable” worth it, but being “kind of miserable” while also being “kind of content” doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to leave. Who leaves a loving relationship because they’re “kind of” anything?

I used to tell myself it was just a matter of being patient. That this was our life now, but someday it would be different. Now I’m having doubts. I think this relationship will always be limiting. I want so much, but I don’t know if you will go on adventures with me. And I don’t think I can spare another decade to find out.

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I felt so much better after getting that off my chest that I text you and asked if you wanted to meet for margaritas after work. We agreed it would be a nice end to this wretched day. I guess that's love.

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[I believe in a thing called love]