I feel empty. For weeks now, I keep coming back to this page to try to say something and my mind is just blank.

I opened an IRA. So there’s that. I don’t know why that’s the first thing I was able to think of.

I am feeling very frustrated about finances. TL was off the entire summer. It’s not his fault. It’s not like he had a choice in the matter. But it was really hard. Things are tight normally, but with him collecting Unemployment + his terrible saving habits, he’s been useless.

I don’t want to say he’s a spender, because he isn’t really. He just isn’t good at saving. Okay, and he does occasionally make stupid decisions like buying a cheap guitar off of Craigslist even though money is tight and he already has more guitars than he could ever have in rotation. But he hasn’t done that recently. I honestly think I would have left him if he bought a guitar this summer.

Last month he only had 1/3 of his portion of the mortgage. Never paid me back for the rest. I don’t mind that as much as the fact that I think he’s going to be short again this month. The mortgage is due this week. We’ve had discussions about getting G’s portion. He hasn’t said anything about his. I told him last month the very minimal, manageable amount he needed to put aside each week in order to have the full amount for September. If he hasn’t been doing it and/or can’t get it together, I’m going to be furious. I am sick of being furious. Sometimes I need to treat him like an employee and it’s just so irritating. I shouldn’t have to micromanage a 45 year old man.

He’s back to work now and will get paid this week, but for a short week. So, not much help there.

I’ve been consistently irritated with him since June. I’ve always known this about him, but he is annoying as fuck when he isn’t working. This year he had a list of things he wanted to do, and didn’t do a single one. This list ranged from responsible things like taking steps to improve his credit to fun things like getting his Harley back on the road. He did nothing. He hardly cooked. Hardly cleaned. He just did nothing all summer.

As it turns out, he hasn’t been feeling well. But he didn’t tell me this until last week. He said he was scared because he thinks there’s something really wrong with him and he’s omgafraidofdoctors and whatever. I am without sympathy. I’m terrified of doctors, too. But if something’s wrong with you to the point where you’re debilitated for 2 months, put on your big boy pants and see a fucking doctor. It ended up being a minor issue, just made worse by the fact that he waited so long. Much like his mother. I’ve kept my feelings about this to myself and have been outwardly supportive and sympathetic, aside from pointing out the similarities between him and his mother.

I was fucking flabbergasted this morning to realize it’s been 11 months since G’s stroke. It still feels recent. It’s depressing to realize my home life has been totally fucked for almost an entire year…it feels more overwhelming now. A year that I haven’t had any control over my life.

14 months since I’ve been the only employee in the office. Where the fuck did the last year of my life go?

They both feel like recent changes I’m still adjusting to, not the way my life has consistently been for a year. How depressing.

This weekend we’re supposed to be going to the Catskills for TL’s union retreat. I’m half excited and half preparing myself for disappointment. This weekend, after we went to the doctor, he was on the phone with his co-worker. Apparently he told her earlier in the week that we probably wouldn’t be going. He had not told me that, so that was a fun fight. During their conversation he told her he was feeling better and we would in fact be going. He insists we’re going, but I’m being cautious. Also, at least one of his sisters is unavailable to give G her pills while we’re gone. Now he has to ask the second one. If she can’t (it’s amazing that we all live in the same town and yet neither sister is ever able to help), I know G will be fine if we set her pills out and call to remind her. But I know TL will be all freaked out and worried. He needs to get over it. Not to mention if we don’t give 48 hours notice of cancellation we have to pay for the room. Which no, not happening.

This year has been absolutely terrible. Even the good parts are still at least partially terrible. We are broke. We don’t do anything or go anywhere. We never see our friends. We are both totally fucking miserable. We have the opportunity to go away for the weekend for free. That is the only type of getaway we can afford right now. And if he tries to bail on this, I think I’m really going to have to start reconsidering this relationship.

We have a shitty situation that can’t be changed, but there are plenty of things that we can do to improve our quality of life. If he’s sick, he needs to see a doctor. If he’s depressed, he needs to see a therapist. It isn’t rocket science. Problems have solutions. Life is not just a hopeless pit of awfulness. We have the ability to change at least a handful of our problems, and we have the ability to make our lives better. We have the ability to enjoy ourselves. I love him, and I always thought I’d never leave him while he’s going through this. But I can’t be with someone who refuses to take any steps to improve their life.

This weekend, unprompted, he apologized for being awful and assured me he would be livelier now that he’s feeling better. Here’s hoping.