We have been joking(?) daily, for at least a month now, that we are going to go our separate ways on Election Day, enjoying each other till then, remaining best friends after it's over. We've even started joking(?) about it to other people.

It is such a strange thing, to simultaneously feel like I want to be away from him, and to feel like I would be pained to be without him. I feel this every day now. I sit next to him and think, "It's for the best. We shouldn't be together. We can't make each other as happy as we should be. We are too different." And it just makes me cling to him tighter, marveling at how much I love him.

This weekend I looked at him, all of our old friends together for the first time in 8 years, and I thought that everything that annoys me about him wouldn't be an issue if we were just friends. Everything that had me furious or embarrassed on Saturday wouldn't have mattered if we weren't together. It would have been like it used to be, just a group of friends hanging out.

Sunday morning we were getting ready to go to the fucking zoo for a 1 year old's birthday party, as if we didn't have enough problems.

I wasn't going to bring up the previous night's issues until we got back home later that day, but he mentioned that I seemed out of sorts. I told him that I felt disrespected by some of the things he said the night before.

Sometimes he responds to calm communication very well. Other times he responds like his mother, petulant and having a temper tantrum at the mere implication that someone is displeased with him. Sunday morning was the latter.

He's getting ready, stomping around, slamming doors, yelling about how he never disrespects me, and how I don't even recognize when he's being nice anymore.

I am immediately bored with his temper tantrum, and we fall into our usual fight pattern. I am detached and unemotional, sometimes to the point of being cruel. He is angry and yelling. I laugh while he's yelling, asking, "Just to be clear, you're mad at me because I was mad at you?" He yells, "Yes!" I laugh more.

I stand in the kitchen, wondering how I can possibly be in a relationship with someone who immediately jumps to anger without giving rational discussion a chance.

He's in the other room, talking under his breath while he gets ready. I hear him say, "Disrespect you? I worship the fucking ground you walk on. You goddamn bitch."

I laugh again. What a beautiful sentence. "I worship the fucking ground you walk on, you goddamn bitch." In all sincerity, I'll be damned if that isn't exactly how I want to be loved.

We go about our day like nothing happened, at night he apologizes. I am left feeling like I know we shouldn't be together, but I miss him already.