Does this make me feel better or worse? More or less rejected?

I guess I feel worse, but slightly less rejected.

We saw each other unexpectedly. Is it still serendipitous when it involves a blown radiator and meeting your wife?

I saw you. You barely looked at me and I found myself feeling hurt, of all the stupid things to feel. Feeling like a teenager again, lost in a sea of hormones and ambiguity. Finally you walked by and simply said, “Hi.” Hi. 21 days ago you were following me into the bathroom and running your hand up my thigh. Today you said hi.

The kids were having a party, so I thought your kid was probably part of the group and that's why you were acting like we didn't know each other. That was true, but then I found out that you have a wife and I had been talking to her a few minutes earlier.

For 21 days I thought I might feel better about wanting you if you were in a relationship too, since then we’d both potentially be doing something terrible.

But now I don't know what to think. Is this better? I don't particularly care about your marriage, so much as I care about you wanting me.

If our mutual friend hadn’t been so absurdly and comically encouraging - to the point of repeatedly saying he would rather have me be with you than my fiancé because he's known my fiancé for decades and always thought I was too good for him, and if I were with you, mutual friend and I could still hang out all the time even if I broke up with my fiancé, and you are so much better for me - if it weren't for all of that, I wouldn’t be nearly as confused. What the fuck was that? This is the true mind-fuck, honestly. I’ve been thinking about cheating with you for 21 days, I am obviously not concerned with you being married. I actually wished for it. But why would someone I’ve known and trusted for 8 years be presenting you as available?

That's what has me fucked up. Is my friend not my friend? I am 100% okay with you just being a douchebag who’d cheat with someone they just met (obviously, since I am also said douchebag). There are no delusions here. You make me wet; you do not make my heart go pitter patter, so I don't really care about what kind of person you are - and I already know what kind of person I am. Even if I haven't acted on it yet, that's really all it is. Something inevitable that is always in the background even if I haven’t technically crossed those lines. It's all merely a technicality and something that could change in an instant, something I often wish would change in an instant regardless of the consequences.

I spent the last 3 weeks operating under the belief that this was possible. I went through a whole range of emotions and thought about how I would inevitably handle different scenarios. It feels like I already cheated. But if it was never possible, I feel like my emotions have been manipulated, like this was some kind of game and I'm the one who got played.

I don't know what this feels like. I can't tell if this is the end or the beginning.