I thought about you all afternoon, for no particular reason. I thought about missing you. I thought about the last nearly 16 years. I read old writing. I thought about texting you, but I didn't have anything to say, and I don't always know where we stand. In 2017, after everything, can I just text you and say "Hey" or do I always need some kind of excuse or lead-in? Your birthday's tomorrow, so I decided to just wait until then.
A few hours later you text me, "Sup yo" and it was familiar delirium: nervous, laughing, relief and panic. I replied, "Hey. I was thinking about you today, you freaky mind-reader you."
We text back and forth for two hours and it was nice. Nice seems like an asinine way of putting it, but our communications have been leaving me confused, again. But I'm happy to hear from you, even when I'm confused.
We've been through so many stages of this friendship/relationship that I never know what it is or what to expect.
Last night I felt some old feelings creeping back up, and I don't know what to make of that. I'm trying to tell myself it's just because you text me after I thought about you all afternoon. That shit always makes me act like an idiot.
In recent years I've just been happy when we have a good conversation, and I don't feel like I need anything else. A good conversation reminds me that you'll always be my best friend. We might live in different states, we might have separate lives, but knowing that we can always pick back up is comforting. If we chat a few times a year, it's enough, in a way. I will always miss you, but if we talk one day, it's enough until the next time.
Today is different. Today I feel like I need more, and I've been debating texting you all morning. I don't even know why. I don't know why I want to, and I don't know why I'm hesitating.
Maybe not knowing why you reached out yesterday is just making me crazy. We always touch base on birthdays, holidays, and miscellaneous "Hey, look what popped up on Timehop" or "Hey, I saw this thing and it made me remember this thing that is relevant to our friendship somehow" days. So why yesterday? Why a day of no significance? What was different yesterday than every day for the last several years? What does this mean?
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Text sent. We're chatting and joking around. Why do I feel like I'm 12 again?