I used to believe in fate. I used to believe that things happened for a reason, that everything was constantly moving towards a destination. That every misstep along the way was for a reason. It didn't take me where I thought I’d be, but every twist took me where I was supposed to be.

It's been so many years now that I’ve felt empty. I see no purpose. I see no reason for anything. Things happen, but there is no grand plan. Everything is exactly as it seems. There is no deeper meaning or purpose. I don't feel connected to anything.

And then I met you, finally. I could have met you a hundred times before, but instead I met you now, and you reminded me of what I used to believe. And the second time? You reminded me of what I could still believe. So many strange things had to happen to see you again. But all these seemingly random parts worked together like gears in a machine and I saw you. Sure, it was unsatisfying. Sure, I found out you were married. And if I were anyone else, I might think that was the answer: that I needed to see you again to know this was never going happen.

That's not me though, is it?

It felt good to believe in something again. It felt good to believe that chaos, passion, and everything wrong could lead me to where I'm supposed to be. I miss having faith that life was beautiful because of these small moments of madness. I miss feeling like I was moving in any direction at all.

I want to feel wrong. I want to feel passion for anything again.

But I'm losing the feeling already. Not the passion itself, but I'm losing the belief that anything will happen. I’m starting to feel like it was just random. Just meaningless coincidences that don't lead to anything.

But why even meet you? Why do I feel like this? I just want to believe that there is a purpose. I want to believe that this is something.

And maybe I'm just being impatient. Maybe I’ll see you in 6 months and we will have the most beautiful collision. Or maybe not. The future isn't the problem. It isn't you. It isn't about this happening or not happening.

It's about this sadness, this hollowness. This dull ache that makes me feel like nothing has any purpose. I wish I could have held on to this crazy, hopeful, excited feeling for a little longer, instead of fading to emptiness so quickly.

I feel cold and logical and I hate it. I want to make bad decisions based on this buzzing in my skin. Oh, the things you represent.