and of course i build you up in my head, so you're what i want but over the past three years, i've been disenchanted in every respect. every time we speak it's like i find something else i dislike, some other bad that outweighs a much needed good.

but it's changed nothing, because all this time later, time together and time apart and more time with men who aren't you, i love you. if anything it's gotten stronger. i hate it, this isn't working and when i can sit with you on the kitchen floor and we talk about life, i don't think i can take it anymore because i'll be your therapist and your friend and antagonist, but when you look me in the eyes for that long i flip and flutter and something in me does a kind of backflip i swear is physical.

and to think i was worried. when i knew we wouldn't be seeing eachother as often, i had all these thoughts that by now we'd be nothing and we'd have forgotten, in a sense, how intense this nothing of ours was.

but tonight in your apartment, which is disgusting by the way, you get so caught up keeping this eye contact that you can't finish your sentence, like you used to. and it makes me want to marry you, i love the fade out of your sentences, i feel like it's mine, like i invented your nerves and tested them enough to find your weak spots, like i said, "trail off babe, i'll still know what you meant."

i'm so in love with you it makes me shake, physically. i'm leaving for new york the day after tomorrow..wish me luck, realistically, send me off praying for good weather so i can find more men to fill my time. i know they're not you. and yeah, something in me knows i need him to be you. i need you. but i am praying for distractions, even if i must make comparisons, i am waiting for this change. and i'll welcome it, because i really never know what else to do.