Hosted a party at a bar a few weeks ago. You were supposed to be there.
I got my hair cut and actually used heating tools on it. I wore a miniskirt, for fuck's sake, and not a single article of denim or flannel clothing.
You were sick and didn't show up. Our friend passed on your regards.
But the night was fun. I got very drunk and had a grand time, even though I was repeatedly groped by TL's ex-girlfriend.
TL and I got a ride home with a friend. And while sitting in the backseat, my whiskey brain concluded that this was the perfect time to send you a friend request. Whiskey Brain also reasoned that sending your wife a friend request was the most casual, normal thing to do - much more so than only sending you a request. And so I did. I did both of those things.
And in the morning, Hangover Anxiety Brain said, "NO NO NO NO NO FUCK NO NO NO NO WHAT HAVE I DONE?"
Your wife accepted my friend request immediately and you still haven't, so that’s just fantastic.
At a children’s birthday party yesterday with TL. You’re with your wife. Trying not to look at each other too often, trying not to talk directly to each other. I’d talk to your wife, you’d talk to TL, we’d both talk to our friend. Hovering around each other, trying to stand closer without actually interacting. But every time we’d lock eyes, however briefly, it was a physical jolt.
Just looking at you felt like doing something inappropriate. I thought about the contrast between this and the last time we were sitting in that yard. You were staring at me, openly. One of the several times I looked up to find you staring, I just shook my head. You said, “Why are you shaking your head? Am I supposed to pretend I’m not looking at you? Fine, I’ll pretend to look over here.” I couldn’t stop smiling on the way home, but I thought this wouldn’t outlast the weekend.
Instead it’s overwhelming, and it feels like the most painful denial. Every cell in my body buzzes when I’m around you.
What happens next? Is it just nothing forever? Will this always be just another thing I want but can’t have?
We left earlier than I wanted to. When I got home I felt so restless and volatile that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I haven’t felt the maddening pull of passion in the better part of a decade.
You’re the self destruct button. I know that. But I’d destroy my entire life just to feel everything with you.