i'm about to scream or cry or start breaking things. i was angry all day and you can be sweet sometimes. sometimes you turn me on because you say fuck too much. when you kiss me and speak spanish i tell you to speak fucking english even though you're probably saying something beautiful because you're one of those way too romantic and verbose poets.

i like when you talk about love because i don't believe in it that way. i like that you don't love me. we don't love each other and we know this, and we don't pretend. this isn't for comfort, it's for want and it feels glorious sometimes. triumphant.

i'm sorry i put you on the back burner when i've been upgraded pretty quick. what started as a "thing we do when we're done with homework and a room is vancant" is now happening on weekends. weekends. that puts this in a different place and i like that we're keeping it mostly a secret. i hate when people know all my business. i was shocked and flattered by your booty-text tonight (tonight being friday).

you go crazy when i say no. like last night. you were going to bed and i only had about 10 minutes before my friends would start wondering where i am. as soon as i walked in you jumped me and i kept saying i had to leave and you just kept swearing and i wanted to stay. i wanted to be different, to let my hedonism develop further. i wanted to be in your bed which is now familiar which is extraordinary because we still haven't fucked.

last night you pushed me against the door, pinned my arms over my head and kissed me to get me to stay. things like that nearly work and i forgot to tell you, well not actually tell you, but i forgot to remember the other day. i saw you on my way to class and you winked at me and sort of tugged on my sleeve and it made me want. just, want. i wanted to have you. i wanted to hug you for being kind of cute and jump you because something about that was hot.

i don't like you. i can't get this right. i...i don't like you enough to care, care about things like dating, or you and other girls. i don't think about you enough in the right way. you don't cloud me up. i guess that's it. you don't make me crazy...no, you make me crazy. you make my body crazy. but not my emotions. but you do things that make me feel really affectionate towards you. they should make me like you, because when we're together we laugh. we laugh in a way that i miss sometimes. sometimes i feel there's not that much here, and other times i'm looking back fondly on the time i spend with you. but never in a big way.

right now i'm missing it. i feel all affectionate. i'd like to hug you. and the thing you did the other night was so...small, but i can't stop thinking about it. it was probably the cutest thing i've ever been witness to. i think that's an exaggeration. the point is that the other night, we're both naked when we get the text from your roommate saying he's on his way. so you put your pants & shirt back on, then come over to the other side of the bed where i'm getting dressed and kiss me. so my jeans are on but not buttoned, and you smiled and said, "let me help" and you buttoned & zipped my jeans for me. you rehooked my bra and put on my shirt. and you kissed me the whole time, not in a needy way like we always do but just soft. and slow. it felt like something important.

tonight your roommate was there so we just stood in the doorway and talked and when i was leaving all you wanted was for me to kiss you on the cheek. i said no first. i don't know why, but i always say no when you want me to kiss you on the cheek. like..like it's too something. i don't know. i always kiss people on the cheek and i always say no to you. but then i end up doing it anyway because i don't know why i say no.

i hope i get to see you tomorrow. i want time alone and i want to touch you. i miss the feel of you, like it's been ages. it hasn't.