i went to your room like always and as soon as i got to your door he text me. our joke, "hey McDammit, r u sleeping?"

i said i was going to visit a friend.

and i did and i went about my business and i left feeling good. and i left because i had to be up in the morning, not because i wanted to even a little. i needed sleep.

when i got back to my room i sat in the dark and felt guilty. guilty. that's unheard of.

i couldn't help the feeling that you shouldn't come second. that you're bigger than my little fling. and part of me just wanted to try and get back to us because i miss the affection we had for each other before you went back to ukraine. it was mostly platonic, but it was affection and it always felt good.

it was a long shot, but i text you at 4:51, "Douchebag, still up?"

"yes. :)"

"want to come have a cigarette with me?"

so we went out at 5 in the morning in the freezing cold and we smoked and laughed and an hour later i went back to my room feeling emotionally sound.