really i'm just turning into something and it might be myself but it's hard to be sure, i'm doing all the same old tired things, but i'm not acting with the same zest i previously did. today and not for the first time recently i was kissing and holding and whatever the hell else someone who just isn't anything i really want. but it wasn't funny and i wasn't proud and i didn't feel like a bitch. it's not anything fabulous, it's just this sad and tired routine, like i'm chained into making people feel better about themselves. and so today i was chained to you, you're really fantastic, i can't lie there. but i feel nothing for you. we should be friends but i don't do that anymore or maybe i never did. i just lie and fake lie and fake but it's not, it's not sage now. i'm not setting fires, i'm living in the ashes and just holding you over. like it's my responsibility to make you feel better about something, fuck that, i say. all i could think about is that i'm better than you. sorry, i don't mean that as in, ..as in what. i don't know what i mean, but it's probably not as bad or potentially worse than you think. i'm unsure of which.
you know the whole ride to your place in my head just over and over i was saying "this is such a bad idea this is such a bad idea this is such a bad idea"
it's just at the time, i didn't understand why.