and gradually it just felt better and better. i don't mean better, like i felt bad. i mean it was great.

this morning i saw you for the first time since, and i'm confident, as usual, that i will never be able to verbalize some things properly.

i was sitting on a bench outside and i look over, you're standing on the side walk staring at me with this extraordinary grin on your face. dressed like american eagle and hollister had a baby, so horrible. the kind of thing that makes me smile and you yelled, "hey" and our smiles were idiotic, conspiratory. the conversation we shouted was simple. we are both doing well and that pushed me over the edge, i am giddy. i am excited, ecstatic. i want to skip and dance and sing.

maybe i want you to be my friend, like you claimed we are now. i want you as much as ever, but i am not anything i should be. i am not hopeful or angry or sad or missing you. missing you is too negative.

i understand myself less than ever, but i'm happy.