9:08 p.m. - 2014-01-04

�I panicked this week. Such an urgent, overwhelming panic. I thought about wanting more time off and then I thought, �I am never going to have winter/spring/summer break again.� How did that chapter of my life close without me realizing it? I�ve been working more often than not since 2009. I will never have that again. I will never again have 3 months off to do whatever I want. How is that possible? By New Year�s Eve I was seriously considering becoming a teacher just to have more time off.
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Before Christmas I was so excited to have 6 consecutive days off � I couldn�t remember the last time I was off for that long. And then I was so depressed when it was over. How could 6 days go by so fast?
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And that was when I asked myself, �Do I want to do this for the rest of my life?�
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I don�t know why I was stupid enough to think that there were easy answers. When I decided to go to school for Legal Studies, I thought it was so obvious. People want me to have answers, so here�s an answer. I�ve been a paralegal since I was 16, I�m good at it, I enjoy it, so I�ll go to school for it and that will be my career. It was a simple and logical answer.
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But do I want this for the rest of my life? Is this the only thing I ever want to do? I was so stupidly optimistic, fantasizing about moving, working somewhere else. When I start working at another firm I'll end up putting in way more hours than I am now. I thought that was a good thing. More money, how grown up!�

I have my paralegal certificate, I'll have an Associate in Legal Studies after this upcoming semester. Now, for the millionth time, I'm wondering, "And then what?"�

I am so sick of going to school. I didn't want to do it in the first place, I've been acting like an asshole about it for the last 6 years, but should I stop? If I stop, am I just going to end up going back later? Quite possibly.�

I was taking a look at the four year college I'd likely transfer to. They don't offer a BS in Legal Studies or anything like it, unless I wanted to sit down with department heads and basically design my own degree that would have to get approved and blah blah blah. Too much effort for something I'm only ever 50% sure I want to do. So naturally, I took a peek at their English major requirements. And I got fucking excited. Genuinely excited. Look at this course! Look at that course! I have to take "The Victorian Novel"? I have to take "The Bible as Literature"? I have to take a course that solely explores how Shakespeare's works have been translated to film? Yes yes yes. Then I realized they require you to pick a minor, and I thought, "fuck that" until I realized my minor could be Descriptive Linguistics. Descriptive fucking Linguistics. The thought of taking a bunch of courses in linguistics makes me downright giddy.�

I haven't been excited about a college course since 2007/2008 when I took Greek and Latin Roots of the English Language, Latin, and Medieval Literature. So maybe I just need to jump back into this area. Maybe. Maybe not. I don't think I'm going to declare myself an English major and suddenly be happy to be a student, especially since no matter what I do, I will still be that floundering �person who takes a decade to get a four year degree. There's no undoing that. And it isn't going to suddenly be a stress-free, fun thing. I'm still going to be busy, it's still going to be an added stressor. But maybe I could at least enjoy the subject matter. Maybe I could be even just mildly excited about something again. And maybe it could get me writing.�

Maybe I'm being stupidly optimistic again, but I feel like this could open up some doors. To opportunities, to possibilities, to such a large part of myself that I've been ignoring.

Stupid optimism.

Before and After