KC killed herself ten days ago.

I don't know what to say. I keep coming here but I don't know what to say.

It was not a surprise, yet completely shocking. The day after she did it a friend of hers set up a little memorial outside her mom's house. After work I knelt in the grass and stared at the poster, having no idea what to say. I wrote something kind, generic, and insincere.

I find myself having useless thoughts like why couldn't she just, but I know she couldn't. Why didn't I, but I didn't and now it's too late, and it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

We hadn't talked in a long time. I only know what she posted on Facebook, which was everything except, "Today is the day." She had threatened so many times, every time taken seriously, every time hospitalized. She was in therapy multiple times a week, she was on medication. But it wasn't enough, nothing could be done, and that is somehow saddest of all.

We had acquaintances in common, but no friends. I didn't know who I could tell that would understand, so I stayed silent all day. Finally I text TL. As soon as I started typing, I started crying.

I wanted to just be able to say this to someone and have them understand, no explanation of who she was necessary, just say her name and have someone know.

I thought about texting our old group, but I was the only one who kept in touch with her and I didn't want to have to be saying, "You know, remember, the blonde one?" So I just didn't.

I went to the wake by myself yesterday, irritated at all the crosses and the mass being held today. If you can honor her by putting up pictures of her pets, hanging her favorite hat, the necklace she never took off, why can't you finally accept that she was an atheist?

I was certain M would be there and I needed the relief of seeing him, but he wasn't there. Either we went at different times, or he doesn't know.

I talked to her mom and said all of the useless cliches.

There is nothing helpful to say in this kind of situation, just hand-wringing and apologies.