3:06 a.m. - 2007-09-03

i am so homesick. i'm having fun but i just feel things i don't want to feel anymore. i blame so much of this on you. if i could ever just get free i'd be fine but your eyes are chains you throw all over me every chance you get, i mean really, you make people stare at us. well so hold me down some more, i was so close to getting out. distance makes this worse, allows it to hit me harder so i always end up on my knees, sometimes literally. but i'm sick of falling back and i'm sick of panic attacks holed up in your apartment. that should not be home. that should not be home, that should not be home. don't let it be, this familiarity has never been a blessing. every time i end up in front of your building, i know this is a problem. that place is not for me. fuck, i'm doing what i wanted. for all the promises i made and broke, i'm doing what i wanted. so why am i homesick for a place that's not now, was never, and should never be my home? i want my car, i want all of my soulmates, i want long drives and coffee and the clothes in your drier. fuck me, cause i don't know home in greater terms. Before and After