i gave up on you. i guess i'm sorry. i don't feel sorry, but it's the second time i've done this to someone and i didn't used to be the person who gives up. you just make me sad because it's been so many years. too many years.

i was never really able to make up my mind about what i believe about love. whether you can stop loving someone or not. i just know that a year + a few days ago i felt more in love with you than i had ever felt and now i don't love you. at all. not even as a friend, and that was your biggest role.

i don't love you. i feel dull when i say it. but i don't. this is dead, understand? i wish it weren't because it's just a reminder to me that i SUCK at keeping things.

it's hard to explain. people don't get it when i say it. i think because with boy-girl friendships there are always feelings in the way. on one or both ends. so it's like the friendship has less value, seems less genuine. but it's not like that. it didn't start off like that. you were...take every "best" female friend i've ever had. the quality of our friendship was equal to all of theirs combined. it was real. it was real before i loved you or even liked you. at the end of the day you were the person i could talk to about anything. ANYTHING. i've never been able to put myself into just one person. i lie to everyone. still. i don't change much.

you were my best friend. THE best friend that everyone needs in their life. the friend you only have one of. you were it. did i waste it on you? i don't know, but you could make me laugh like no one else and i could cry or yell and it was always what i needed, always helpful.

this wasn't short lived. it's been over six years, and that's not long in the span of a life but i'm 18. you were there throughout my entire highschool career. plus some of grammar school and college. that means something. and it's not like we never fought or never lost contact for a while, but the point is that we could bounce back like real friends are supposed to.

we didn't bounce back from this. we aren't funny to each other anymore. and you can't say we've changed, because through every other time apart we always managed to grow in the same direction. we kept up with each other and even if we weren't speaking, we still fit together when we did finally get back.

we don't now. but for me....for me to not fit with someone is unheard of. i am friends with everyone. i get along with everyone, even the people i fight with. i'm universal. and we are dead.

i don't want to talk to you. again. i mean, i hope we don't, ever again. and i don't mean it in an angry way. it's just that i don't like faking this. you shouldn't have to call me when i'm only 40 minutes away and ask me if we hate each other. you actually did that. "do we hate each other?" i mean you shouldn't have to do that. it's not like we had a fight. the last conversation we had before your question was "catching up". "how've you been?" "good. how about you?" "good." it's all we could say. and that's your question following.

i wish i could keep a better diary. this is all i can think of to say and i don't like it. i sound so lifeless, but i swear i'm not like this in real life. i'm not walking around like the zombie i sound like. i'm having fun. real, genuine fun. i do have some issues balancing connecticut and new york...both are too time consuming and i don't know where i belong, honestly. but it's just that i have too much of a good thing, and i'd be a douche to complain about that.

my problem is that i'm not in love. or whatever it is that i get. i'm not infatuated, i'm not angry, i'm not sad. i'm not in lust. and i'm not content. i need something to light me up. i'm bored with this. there is nothing. because i don't miss any of you anymore, and i have nothing to replace you. i feel..empty. i wish that sounded right.

i guess that's really my problem, progression. i need passion to keep me content. passion leads to problems and i've finally let go of all my passions and problems. i mean tomorrow...fucking, tomorrow i'm going to pick up my cousin from school. and while i would really like my cd, i'm not going in. ...it even sounds weird to say. my mom was like, "why the fuck aren't you going in to see him? are you going to his apartment later?" and i'm not. what the fuck? the more i think on it the weirder it is. i don't care anymore. and not in my, "fuck you, i don't care anymore, so i'm going to parade around looking fantastic so we can get angry and fight while i'm seeing other people" way. which...what the fuck! i miss that. i want THAT. it's a much better me. i just legitimately don't care anymore. i mean i know i get to that point with guys eventually. derek, i haven't wanted him in ages. chris, i'm on and off with but now off for real. but him? WHAT THE FUCK! usually i need my ass kicked by something to be done with it. i'm done with something that went on for over three years but never really happened? what in the fuck. seriously. SERIOUSLY. at least i'm fucking talking like myself now. jesus fuck. you know, the other day at kickboxing, i was hitting harder than i've ever hit. like, i left bleeding and with broken blood vessels in my hand. cute. but everyone assumed i was pissed. but, with me, i don't take out aggression like that. i get angry or sad and i soak it all in. i'm without feeling, and i beat the fuck out of everything. for the love of god, can you send something my way? because i'm fucking bored and i can't do this much longer. it's driving me insane. jesus.