and then i couldn't make myself see you, because i realized i couldn't sleep with you again. because he's back.
and for a day i thought i was done, that in my mind, i was just for him. and then i realized it's a lie because i'm looking to sleep with the 28 year old teacher again.
it's because with you i fake feeling something more than horny. because i pretend to miss you. pretend to want you for you.
i can't fake the feelings anymore, because i feel like i'm cheating on myself. the least i can do in the privacy of my public online journal is to be honest, and the fact of the matter is that i'm really only loyal to myself. nothing will ever tie me to anyone unless it's what i want.
so i can't let you touch me again, because i'll feel sick and guilty, probably the way a person very loyal to their lover would feel in that situation.
i love myself the most, and i know that what i want isn't you. so sorry for that, briefly.
and now not sorry because the more i think about it you're not so nice. well no you're nice. too nice. you put up with too much from me, no backbone whatsoever. but you smoke too much weed, it's pathetic. you really have no life apart from me, work, and weed. sometimes you like to intertwine all three of us, those are the really good days.
and also while i'm on the subject of your shortcomings, you don't like kids! could you be anymore of a turn off? while i realistically see possibility in me never finding the emotional maturity needed to settle down or be honest or healthy in a relationship, which i see as sort of a prerequisite to procreating, i like kids. more than like. who doesn't like kids? not wanting kids is one thing, but not liking them? you may as well tell me that you have no heart and dislike silliness of all kinds.
anywho. i suppose that's all for you.
next,
you, are back. and it doesn't get much more involved than that, except i would like to mention that literally everytime you text me, i hyperventilate.
i miss you the most this week. guess the whole, so close and yet so far deal.