the past hour was not nearly enough to make up for four months of not seeing him. i need more. i swear i have never kissed anyone nonstop, for so long just....so lost. i was lost in him. and it makes me sad because he had to get up at 7:00 because he loves his life more than me. can't he, just once, after four months, pick me. sure, i make him oversleep and late for things. but can't he ever say, fuck that,i'd rather be here. i want him to want to be with me, all the time. some of the time, i'd settle for. every once in a while. but he's so routine and so scheduled and he kissed me in a way i'll never fully recover from. and then eventually he had to go, because of the time. i tried to get him to stay, sort of. at some point he decided he wanted to trade cigarettes, so he took half of his and replaced them with mine, and vice versa. and i was on the stairs giving him that exasperated look and he touched his lips and said, "but i have to give you this, you are a great kisser." and i said, "i know." and he smiled. and i threw the pack of cigarettes at him and left.when i got in my building i text him, "sorry dude, but i can't do last semester again, much as i enjoy it."
and i don't mean it in the way that he thinks because there is no part of me that can stay away from him, there's not even a part that wants to.
i want him in whatever way will allow him to touch me and kiss me until i forget who i am.
i just can't spend another year of my life with the feeling that there's some big secret he won't let me know about.