am i just not made for this? can i not have a relationship? was this not the intention for me?

i felt like i had a path, had something. but then i strayed back to connecticut. left new york and all these possibilities, possibilities of what i don't know. but i left them behind.

i came back to connecticut and started a relationship. it is a life. but maybe the wrong one.

cause i'm still texting him nights i'm not with you. sunday he's talking about our chemistry, talking about kissing me and oh if i were in new york. could barely function till sometime tuesday.

but i love you. i swear that i do. it was unexpected and fast. it's just that you're making me miserable because...you're the possible future and there's a good chance it won't be worth it.

with him, when after a year i was thinking, "i could marry him." i accepted this. i knew we would never be boring. i knew, if i ended up back with him in a few years, my life would still be filled with wonder. possibility. even if he was at a nine to five, if we had three kids - twins and the oldest boy, if it all played out...it would still be my life.

but you are the fear i've had all my life. you're the chance of me being boring, of after everything becoming ordinary. i act different with you. i act...like a girl. when? when did this happen? i swear i was fine until i met you. i worry, and i nag, and i become upset about things. the first week i was myself. i was myself because i would go out with you and he would text me, perfect timing as always and it was life as it should be.

until i got too wrapped up in this. and now i have all these feelings that are going to land me married in fucking, coventry connecticut. slowly dying, thinking back on all the things i wanted for my life. the trips not taken, mistakes not made.

and who should i blame?