let me rephrase.

on friday i was drunk and in a new dress, small black dress, and i was in the middle of a sentence and you kissed me, with tounge. there was no awkwardness or adjusting, because sometimes i think my mouth is always waiting for yours, just biding time, holding its breath between kisses. and that's horrible, lethal, because a year ago the time between kisses, on a bad week, might have been a few days. now it's a few months.

it occurred to me on friday that this, really, after over a year, could be the last time i kiss you.

so i kissed you back on friday.

it was so good, i'm sorry i started a fight on saturday. it's just that i was mad that i cheated on my boyfriend, who i am really, officially supposed to be faithful to, with you.

because i love you more. maybe not more. actually maybe not more at all. but differently because i was made for you. he, is my lover and my companion.

but you are mythological and made for me, and that is why we ended up like this. again and again and again. and maybe this was the last time. it seems like a real possibility after saturday.

so i kissed you outside the castle, ditched the party because i bumped into you on my way to the bathroom. we kissed out there, on the stairs. and then in your room, and then outside, and then in the basement.

and it was glorious. it was living. there is an odd comfort in your existence. i simply always feel as if something is missing when i'm not kissing you. i think that's why i start fights with you when we aren't together. fuck, it's why i start fights with my boyfriend. this weekend's was especially bad, on all counts.

they don't tell you that life is complicated like this. that you can love two people at once in different but equally important ways, depending on the day. that cheating on someone you love still might not make you feel guilty.

but god, today? today when i left new york. when i left...i was leaving not just you, for god only knows how long. but i was leaving the friends i care the most about. my family. and then when i returned to connecticut, i didn't have anything to return to. i didn't see my boyfriend all weekend, because i was too busy cheating and hanging out with my friends. and i still couldn't see him today. so i cried. my god, i cried today. i don't remember the last time i cried like that.

but something is wrong, and at this point in time i can't even tell which one of you i am missing.