5:23 p.m. - 2016-07-20

Bumble BFF has been an experience. According to this app, every woman within a 50 mile radius likes wine, brunch, hiking, and the Bachelor. Every fucking one, I swear to god. Who knew so many people hiked? With the amount of women claiming to hike on this one app, I feel like in every slightly woodsy area there should be at least 5 legging-clad women hiking with a bottle of rosé.

Throughout what should have been my awkward teenage years I was so confident and sure of myself. I felt like I knew who I was, and also enjoyed my ability to adapt to whatever people I was currently with. As an adult I feel lost, self-conscious, and unsure. I scrutinize every single thing I say. Sometimes I can't even reply to people because I spend so much time typing and deleting a response. It feels like I'm hitting it off with a few people but this is harder than I ever could have imagined.

I had 14 conversations that naturally tapered off and then I had no idea what to do. FOURTEEN. I would regularly check the app and debate resuming a conversation, but I just didn't know what to say. Then I'm looking and realizing, "Oh fuck I haven't talked to this person in a week. Do I just never speak to them again or should I initiate a conversation?" I honestly don't know.

When I first downloaded the app, I was left-swiping on most people. I thought, "Okay, I took 5 minutes to write something mildly amusing in my bio. I can't be right-swiping every wine-guzzling, Bachelor-watching, brunch-eating hiker." I thought it was the time to be picky. I thought it was time to be discerning. But you know what, it turns out that leaves like 3 people in the entire state. So I started getting less picky. "Okay, so you could not muster up the energy to say something remotely interesting about yourself, and true, your bio is identical to 63other local women, but maybe there's more to you than that. Maybe you're fucking hilarious. Maybe you make excellent sangria. Maybe you watch King of the Hill every night."

And so I started being more generous. I got quite a few matches. A couple stood out, but mostly it was all just generic politeness. Hey how are you? I'm good and you? What do you do? I do this and you? Cool. New to the area? Like it? Cool.

And that's how I eventually I realized I had 14 conversations that had come to a stop. I wondered what to do for a few days. In a panic, I deleted my account and started over. No, seriously. That was my response. Just started all over again. Like it wasn't stressful enough the first time. I've now re-matched with some people from before. I lied, and said that due to the 24hr thing (once matched, someone needs to send a message within 24hrs, and the person needs to respond within 24 hours), I was off the app for a week and let a bunch of matches/conversations expire and thought it best to just start over.

I think I need to stop being weird and neurotic and just start treating these people like friends, and seeing what sticks. Obviously my best friends are wonderful, intelligent, supportive people who I can talk to about nearly anything. But let's be honest, at 2pm on a Tuesday we're sending each other raccoon gifs, not discussing our favorite passages from Plato's Symposium. I just want a few people to go out with sometimes. This should not be difficult.
Before and After