5:22 p.m. - 2016-07-20

Months ago I saw that Taking Back Sunday and Dashboard Confessional would be playing on my birthday. I bought myself a General Admission ticket. I decided, at that moment, that I would either find someone other than TL to go with, or I would go alone. I didn't want TL to come. We have a good time at concerts together most of the time. However, after two shitty events I learned: 1) He is not always a good sport about seeing bands he doesn't like; 2) He does not like concerts that are on weekdays; and 3) He does not like General Admission.

This concert was on a weekday, bands he doesn't know/like, and General Admission. So I told him explicitly that he was not invited. We laughed about it, and talked about my plans to find someone to go with. I posted on social media. I asked friends. I joined tastebuds.fm and Bumble BFF. I didn't find anyone who wanted to go.

But I became so fine with it that I was actually looking forward to going alone. I am so lacking any sense of self, any sense of identity, any semblance of independence. I wanted to do this for myself. I've missed out on a lot of things because I didn't want to do something alone. When I was younger, it was because I was always attached at the hip to certain friends. Now, it's TL. If I want to do something, I need to do it for myself, with or without company.

As the date approached, I told TL I was going alone and he insisted he was going because I shouldn't be alone on my birthday. I referenced the last two times he went with me to see bands he didn't like in GA on a weekday, in which he acted like a miserable asshole the whole night. He said he feels it's only fair that I have a "three strikes and you're out" policy. I told him two was more than enough and I was not going to risk him being a dick all night. We laughed and joked about it, he said he would be on his best behavior. I told him I was going alone and we left it at that.

I was excited. I bought a new outfit for the occasion. I was so excited to just be myself, to do something for myself.

On my birthday, I was at work and I got a text from my cousin, "TBS tonight? I'd love to go!"
I wanted to do this for myself. I wanted to do something I wanted to do, alone. I said I wanted to go alone and he asked my cousin to go with me. Does that even require any explanation or analysis? Isn't that it? Isn't that every fucking thing?

When I got home from work I said, "I know you meant well and I know you did it out of love, but I am not okay with what you did. I said I wanted to go alone and you should have respected that. I don't know exactly what was said, but I'm embarrassed that you would meddle in my business and ask someone to go somewhere with me. I know you meant well. But I'm not okay with it."

He apologized, reiterated he didn't want me to be alone on my birthday.

When I was getting ready I second guessed everything. My make-up, the outfit I'd been excited to wear for 2 weeks. I changed everything. As I got ready I felt my identity being replaced with someone else's reflection. I wanted to be myself, but instead I was just what I always am, a version of myself, a partial reflection of whoever is nearest, desperately trying to match my surroundings. I felt it happen and it made me so sad I didn't want to leave the house.

I left. Later he sent me a long text apologizing some more.

My cousin and I had fun. The concert was great. It was nice to actually go somewhere together, because I don't remember the last time we did that. TL asked why I didn't ask her in the first place and I had to remind him that one of our bad concert experiences was because she was supposed to go with me, but bailed at the last minute, so TL went instead. I love her, but she has been flakey more often than not these last few years. I am always happy to hang out, but I can't rely on plans I make with her.

TL and I went out for drinks the next day and he apologized again. I explained to him how many things I've missed out on due to being too tied to the people in my life, and how I need to be comfortable doing things alone. I told him this felt like a chance to reassert my identity and to start doing things for myself, but he took that choice away from me. He was apologetic and seemed to understand.
Before and After