maybe i can fall in love the way i used to. not in the real way, not like i fell in love with him - in a way bigger than everything before it, put together. because that....that wasn't of this earth. and it was bigger than my life. it made sense of all my former misconceptions and it made me realize things that just weren't true with anyone else. that was bigger than everything, and i am absolutely positive that we will continue to make messes of each other's lives. ..probably within the next few weeks and really i just think i'm going to marry him BUT, in the meanwhile, during the while, why must i confine myself to men i just want around for sex? why shouldn't i have some glorious male who loves me? and who i love, in a way that surely won't shake my existence as my one love did, but, in a way that is still important and goddamn, makes me feel good. i think i deserve that.

aside from the fact that i am entirely selfish because i can almost guarantee that i will hurt him..and for once that bothers me, aside from that, i think i deserve this.