I have never loved just one person, and I don't know that I ever will. I try to just ignore those little pieces of me, those pieces that want different things or different people. Because those pieces of me have no acceptable lifestyle. I know that I could never actually be in a polygamous relationship, not really. I don't know that I could ever be so honest, and I also know I could not come to terms with a partner who was not monogamous.

Before my current relationship, I had it made. I was always obsessed with something unattainable, which left me free to love as much as I wanted, love whomever I wanted. Every relationship was up and down and off and on, so I was never tied down to anyone. And secretly, I know that is where I belong. I do not belong in a healthy and committed relationship. To say that I don't deserve a healthy and committed relationship sounds as though I'm being down on myself, but I'm only being honest. I do not think I truly have it in me to be this person, and that scares me. When I take the time to actually think about it (which I try to avoid), it leaves me in tears.

Within the year, probably within the next few months, I know that I will be getting engaged. And that fills me with a joy I�ve never known. When I compare my current relationship to my past I�.I feel like someone was keeping a secret from me. This is love? What was I involved with before? Why did no one tell me that this is love? It is the most glorious, exciting, boring, comforting feeling. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and see him sleeping next to me, I just want to cry because I�m so happy. I�m so happy that he is existing next to me, everyday. He is the person I have the most fun with, whether I am sitting on the couch watching TV, out for a romantic evening, or walking around Walmart, he is the most fun I have ever had. Bad days are better simply because he is there waiting when I get home. I love him, and if I said I did not want to spend my life with him, I would be lying.

But then when I think about all the things that I have never done, or, to be perfectly honest, all the people I have never done�I just panic. I think about my many loves, and I imagine different scenarios, almost to test my mental fidelity. And I fail again and again. There are men that I am absolutely terrified to be alone with, simply because I�ve loved them for so long, and I don�t trust myself. Because deep down, I know I am not trustworthy.

But I have always known this, to some degree. I have always known that I was selfish and far too prone to falling in love. I have always known that at the end of the day, I love myself the most, and I will always look out for my own heart. And my heart has only ever wanted two things: to be loved, and the opportunity to indulge in its feelings. It sounds pretty reasonable, until you apply it to the real world. Those two things cannot exist together. I have the love now. But at the same time, I want the freedom to explore other love, should the opportunity arise. That has a very simple name: cheating. In my ideal situation, I would marry my boyfriend � because I know that he is it, I know, that no one else could be so good for me. He makes me better, and I know this. In my ideal situation, I would marry him, and we would spend our lives together, loving each other. But if any of the men that I�ve loved were to present themselves, I would be given the opportunity to explore that, knowing full well I would always return. That is what I want, and that is unrealistic. In my ideal world, I am allowed to be selfish and hypocritical. In my ideal world, there are no consequences to my actions.

The thought of ever hurting him makes me feel sick. And it makes me panic, because I know that it�s such a possibility. I hate that it�s in my nature to be hurtful. When we write our own stories, we are always the good guy. We may be flawed and make mistakes, but we have good intentions. There is something redeeming about us.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I am the best version of myself when I am living a partial lie. It is when I am the kindest and most compassionate. On the inside, I am not this person. I feel dangerous. I am not so sure that there is something redeeming about me�at least nothing genuine. I�m just being honest. I am not this person. But I wish that I were.

So I keep trying.